Ally McBeal 350

I know the future isn’t found by picking up broken pieces of the past and trying to make them come back and work in the present.

It’s tough, that’s 50 years of hard work in the past, trying to make family work and dreams come true and a couple of generations of friends that I couldn’t bring with me; I do miss them and think of them often, maybe I’ll run into them, hug them or punch them in the face, but I know I don’t want that either.

I’ve seen that not work like I thought it would; I do try to stop myself when I feel I’m wasting energy or see that the stories I’m telling myself or others will not be bringing in the past back and isn’t helping anyone in the present.

Everything is different here in the present. It’s not what I thought all the work and living would feel like.

It’s hard because a lot of trauma processing is looking at the past, owning it, releasing it and facing it in the future when it pops up again, but that doesn’t work with everything, and it’s becoming more of a block than a bridge these days.

So, it’s time to see the future for the future, brand new again, like a child who has the whole world in front of her, but still an old lady with 50 years behind her.

I was also thinking about my 20’s when I was friends with people over 40 and the things I wanted them to hear and know, but I also didn’t want to remind them that there was a financial gap, or how different the world was back here, as opposed to what they were seeing and telling me.

I was so honored to fit into some of these friends’ circles, but often things that I needed to deal with they had experienced and very differently and the opportunity just never came up. I figured if I could keep up with these people, I didn’t need to dig into or face things that would have made being a 20-year-old, more normal.

I also see that I am the older lady among many young people, and I hope they are able to look at me at say, don’t forget, I’m 25 and still have questions about… still struggle with… You see this different because… I mean we don’t even know who Ally McBeal is…